Death Seeker
by SirGhirahim
Summary: What was Athelstan's life like before he became a priest and why does he always keep his arms covered. Ragnar wants to know but Athelstan won't tell, so he takes some extreme methods to find out and when he does all hell breaks loose.
**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot. Please don't sue me I'm poor.**

"Priest" Ragnar shouted making Athelstan jump and almost falling face first into the dirt. He laughed and helped him up "Come priest, I've fixed the fishing net" he said grabbing Athelstan's hand and almost dragging him to the Fjord. He and Athelstan cast out the net and began to the wait for the fish.

Sitting on the edge of the Fjord Ragnar asked "There's something I've been wondering Athelstan. What were you like before you became a priest?"

Athelstan stiffened at the sudden question. He had been Ragnar's slave for about three months, he had been asked many questions but never about his past, only when he was monk never before then "Nothing special" Athelstan replied stiffly.

Ragnar looked at him unimpressed and said "Surely you were something. A child, a son, anything, tell me"

"I was a child, a son and nothing more" Athelstan said bluntly

Ragnar was not impressed with his answer and tried to get him to talk "Tell me-"

"Fish!" Athelstan shouted and interrupted Ragnar.

Ragnar sighed and got up with Athelstan to pull the net onto shore.

"This is a good haul" Athelstan said

"Yes it is" Ragnar replied a little disappointed with Athelstan, but he tried to not let to show.

After taking some fish home and selling the rest at the market, Athelstan went to wash clothes while Ragnar went inside to get a drink.

"The fish you brought will make a fine dinner" Lagertha said. Ragnar ignored her and she knew something was wrong. She placed a hand on his shoulder to get his attention and asked "Is something wrong?"

"Not much. I asked Athelstan what he was like before he became a priest and he completely ignored the question" Ragnar replied irritated.

"Maybe he finds it hard to talk about, he is different from us, sweet and naive. Do not push him, he may fight when cornered" Lagertha said before leaving Ragnar alone with his thoughts.

Ragnar sighed heavily and left the house. He went down to the Fjord to find Athelstan. He found Athelstan scrubbing the mud out of the shirt Ragnar had been training in the day before, he approached Athelstan and said "Tough work priest?"

"Ah!" Athelstan jumped and quickly scrambled to cover his arms. He turned around to find Ragnar standing behind him looking confused "I wish you wouldn't scare me" he said.

Ragnar looked at Athelstan with suspicion and asked "What are you hiding?"

"Nothing, you just scared me" Athelstan replied

"So you pull down your sleeves instead of reaching for your weapon?" Ragnar questioned

Athelstan was getting highly uncomfortable and decided to change the subject "Is there something you wanted?" he asked.

"Not really" Ragnar replied and sat down on the grass.

Athelstan knew Ragnar was not going to leave, he was going to sit and watch him. Athelstan went back to the clothing and started to wash them again, without rolling up his sleeves. He let his sleeves get soaked, it was a small price to pay for hiding the truth.

Ragnar watched as Athelstan let his sleeves go into the water without hesitation and wondered why he would not roll up his sleeves again. This made Ragnar suspicious, but of what? He wasn't sure.

A few days later as Ragnar sharpened his dagger his mind wondered back to the day at the river. He wanted to ask Athelstan what was wrong but he remembered Lagertha's warning about Athelstan fighting when cornered and worried about making Athelstan mad, even if he thought it was adorable.

Another four days went by and Ragnar was positive Athelstan was hiding something serious. He tried to take a look when he could and tried to persuade Athelstan to let him look but he failed. Ragnar couldn't let this go, he had to know and he had a plan. That night Ragnar had made him and Athelstan a drink and had secretly poured in some sleeping powder into Athelstan's. Passing Athelstan the flagon he smiled and said "Cheers"

"What's this for?" Athelstan asked

"Just needed to empty the barrel" Ragnar shrugged

Athelstan didn't question him further and drank. Half way through the flagon Athelstan felt dizzy.

When Ragnar saw Athelstan starting to slump and close his eyes, he took away the flagon and laid him down. When Athelstan was asleep Ragnar quickly pulled up his sleeves and saw what he was hiding. There must be a hundred or more on each arm. Pale, white scars marring the skin. Ragnar had seen marks like these before on people who seek death. Had Athelstan once sought death? Ragnar wondered, this made him angry. The thought of Athelstan hurting himself, drawing his own blood in such a way made his own blood boil. He checked the marks and was glad none of them were new, they were all old and some had started to fade. Ragnar understood now why Athelstan kept them covered and when he woke up they would need to talk about them, no matter how painful it was going to be.

When Athelstan woke up it was morning and he didn't remember much about last night. He didn't have a handover which was strange because he did remember drinking with Ragnar. He sat up and was surprised when Ragnar walked.

"Morning" Ragnar said

"Morning" Athelstan replied

"Get some breakfast, we've going to the cabin up the mountain" Ragnar said "I've already packed, we should leave soon"

Athelstan nodded and did as he was told. He had no idea what they needed to do at the cabin and when he asked Ragnar didn't say. He picked up the bag Ragnar had packed for him and followed Ragnar out of the house. The path to the cabin was steep and long, it was difficult during the rain, but the weather was dry enough to walk along it without any problems. They arrived at the cabin in no time at all and upon entering put their packs on the floor and set up their bed rolls.

"What are we here for?" Athelstan asked

Ragnar locked the cabin door and faced Athelstan "We need to talk" he said sternly "I've seen what you hide, tell me about your scars"

Athelstan stopped breathing and felt his heart race "H-How?" he asked.

"I put sleeping powder in your drink and looked" Ragnar said honestly

Athelstan shot Ragnar an angry look "Why? Why would you do that?" he spat.

"Because you kept something hidden from me and I didn't like it" Ragnar said closing the gap between them.

"I had every right to keep it a secret" Athelstan argued

"Slaves don't have that right" Ragnar said a bit to maliciously

Athelstan slapped Ragnar as hard as he could making the palm of his hand sting.

Ragnar was shocked when he felt Athelstan's hand connect with his cheek. He rubbed his stinging cheek and noticed that his lip was bleeding. He nodded his head in amusement and then lunged at Athelstan. He pinned Athelstan against the wall and said "That was very foolish, any other slave owner would beat you, consider yourself lucky" he said reminding Athelstan of his position. He grabbed Athelstan arm and said "Now about these"

"None of your business" Athelstan said

"Athelstan I ask because I am concerned" Ragnar said

Athelstan stayed quiet and turned his head away defiantly.

Ragnar huffed in annoyance and let go of Athelstan's arm "Well then, it looks like we'll be here for a while. I certainly hope that stubbornness of yours doesn't last longer than the supplies" he said as he let go of Athelstan and sat down on his bedroll.

Athelstan sat down on his bedroll and faced away from Ragnar. He was to angry and upset to talk to him.

The frosty silence between them would have to be broken at some point but until then the two remained just as stubborn as each other.

The next day neither Athelstan nor Ragnar spoke as they ate breakfast. Athelstan decided to keep himself busy by tidying up the cabin. Sweeping the floors Athelstan hummed softly to himself, still doing his best to ignore Ragnar.

Ragnar watched Athelstan as he worked, Athelstan never once looking at him, and wondered if Athelstan would break from being ignored. A few hours later he realised that ignoring Athelstan was not the right way to get information from him, it looked like he was used to some form isolation and silence. Another a few hours went by before Ragnar got tired of waited, he stood up and grabbed Athelstan "Tell me" he said.

"Why do you want to know so badly?" Athelstan asked

"Because-" Ragnar hesitated but continued "Because I am afraid"

"Afraid of what? A few scars" Athelstan said

"There are more than just a few scars" Ragnar pointed out "They are not just scars, they mark you out as a death seeker"

Athelstan had no idea what that meant "What is a death seeker?" he asked.

"A death seeker is a person who hurts themselves hoping that they will die" Ragnar explained

"If that is what a death seeker is then yes I was a death seeker" Athelstan said

Ragnar looked at him in anger and disappointment "If you cut again I will..."

"I said I _was_ a death seeker, I'm not anymore. I haven't cut in many years and I don't intend to start now" Athelstan said interrupting Ragnar.

Ragnar pulled Athelstan into a bone crushing hug and asked "Why did you start?"

Athelstan's resolve faded and he told Ragnar his story "I was about twelve when my life turned tragic I lost all my family and my home. I became a thief to survive and fell into depression. I started cutting a year later. It felt good, it helped, I don't know why. I was fifteen when I decided to end my own life. I went to the beach to watch one last sun rise and cut deeper than I ever had before and waited for the tide to wash away my body"

"How did you survive?" Ragnar asked

"I was surprised when I woke up in a warm bed in a monastery" Athelstan said

"Lindisfarne?" Ragnar questioned

"Yes. One of the monks there found me while he was on one of his morning walks and helped me. They sewed up my wounds and took care of me. I was suspicious of them at first, after everything I'd been through I didn't trust people easily. They asked me daily why I tried to kill myself, eventually I told them my life story. They said taking my own life would have been a waste and offered me a place among them. Shelter, food, a bed and they taught me about god's love. I didn't believe at first but eventually I listened with growing interest and became a monk"

"Is that when you stopped cutting?" Ragnar asked

"No, the temptation was still there and sometimes it won over faith but eventually I stopped for good" Athelstan replied "There, you've heard my story, now can we leave?" Athelstan asked.

"I'm sorry Athelstan but I needed to know you weren't a danger to yourself, if others found out and if I couldn't tell them you weren't a death seeker, well it would have ended badly for you" Ragnar explained.

"Why?" Athelstan asked

"Because death seekers are considered dangerous. They are locked away, their hands are bound and then they are kept in isolation until they are better. But that is only if you are a warrior you do not have that chance if you are a slave. If people found out you were a death seeker I would have been forced to slit your throat" Ragnar explained.

"What! Why?" Athelstan asked

"Like I said death seekers are considered dangerous but a warrior is useful and they are given a second chance to die with honour. A slave is nothing, they have no honour and a slave who seeks death is not worth keeping alive" Ragnar replied.

Athelstan understood now why Ragnar was so scared and paranoid and why he had drugged him to see his arms. It was all for his sake, so he wouldn't be killed "Ragnar I didn't know about any of that, why didn't you tell me sooner?" he asked "There would have been no need for all of this"

"Maybe I should have, but I didn't want to take that risk" Ragnar replied

Athelstan sighed and said "You don't have to worry, I stopped a long time ago and I don't have any reason to start"

"What about everything that happened during the raid? You lost everything again, doesn't that upset you?" Ragnar asked

"It does but not enough to make me start cutting again" Athelstan replied

"Good, it don't want to kill you over something like this. If you do feel the need to...do that, then come and see me I will help you" Ragnar said sincerely.

"Alright" Athelstan replied.

The two of them lay together in a bedroll for a while. Ragnar gently ran his fingers over the raised skin on Athelstan's arms. There were so many, so much pain. Ragnar kissed the skin softly and pulled Athelstan into his chest.

Athelstan let Ragnar do what he wanted, they both needed to feel better.

Ragnar and Athelstan didn't leave the cabin until the next day. They made their way down the path and back to the farm where Ragnar's family were waiting for them.

"Have you sorted everything out?" Lagertha asked

"No need to worry, all is well" Ragnar replied

"Good" she said

Athelstan went back work like nothing had happened and Ragnar told his family about what had happened in the cabin, to put their minds at ease. The family felt better knowing that Athelstan wasn't a death seeker anymore and they didn't have to worry about killing him.

Two days went by before Lagertha came to talk to Athelstan about his marks. She asked him to show her and he did. She trailed her fingers along the cobweb like scars and then kissed them gently. She told Athelstan he was a good person and didn't want to see him hurt like this again. He told her she had nothing to fear, she believed him.

As Ragnar sat under a tree near the Fjord the sound of footsteps caught his attention. He looked to see Athelstan "Something wrong?" he asked.

"No. May I?" Athelstan asked

"Sure" Ragnar replied

Athelstan sat down next to Ragnar and said "I'm sorry"

"About what?" Ragnar asked confused

"Back at the cabin I slapped you and never apologised for it, I'm sorry" Athelstan replied

Ragnar laughed loudly and said "Don't worry about it. It was a good hit though, stung a lot"

Athelstan gave Ragnar a sad look and almost whined.

Ragnar put his arm around Athelstan shoulder "Everything will be fine, don't be sad" he said reassuringly.

"Thank you. Even though you went about my...problem the wrong way I do feel better" Athelstan said

"I'm Glad" Ragnar said

The two f them stayed liked that for a while until it got dark. Life went back to normal as if it never happened. Occasionally Athelstan would catch Ragnar looking at his scars but never said anything. Ragnar would sometimes ask to touch them or kiss them, when Athelstan asked when, he simply replied "To remind myself that you are strong in your own way" Athelstan wasn't sure what he meant but Ragnar was strange that way and he took it in his stride.

Athelstan's scars may not all fade away, like the memories that made him cut in the first place, but at least he knew who to see should temptation try to drag him back down again. Ragnar would be his sheath for the blade he may try to use, whenever he needed him to be.


End file.
